Guest Post: Beardliness Is Next To Manliness‏

In support of Voluntine’s Week, C. T. Murphy of Murf vs Internet has written a guest post for my blog! He’s a talented blogger who has guest blogged on simpleek before and he is a fellow contributor for Geek Force Network. Be sure to check out his blog for a variety of interesting topics from video games to personal stories from his own life. Give him a follow on Twitter. Without further ado, kick back and cozy up to this post about the beards he finds the manliest on certain video game characters. I can tell you, the manliest scale is off the charts in this special post!

Beards. Beards are awesome.

Since the dawn of mankind, when our ancestors first discovered the incredible power of length and fullness, beards have been grown in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.

In the 1990s, after years of pixelated confusion, beards in video games could be square no longer. The gaming world was lifted from an abyss of underrepresented manliness and poorly drawn facial hair.

But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of gaming. Instead, 32-bit beards were simply the prologue to another hairy chapter of beards in gaming history. For man had succeeded in proper facial hair representation––because beards, beards are awesome.

I am not a manly man. I don’t drink beer; I don’t watch football. I believe in manners, respecting others, and kindness above all. That’s why I hide behind whatever facial hair I can muster. Similarly, the avatars that I choose to represent me on the virtual planes of Norrath, Tamriel, Azeroth, and Thedas all sport glorious bursts of full-bodied hair, elegantly grown around their perfect, chiseled looks. How else will the elves and other women-folk know how manly my character is?

More than a status symbol, facial hair is the highest fashion for a true man. Hero after hero of our favorite games further prove this simple truth: If you want your character to be a real hero, he’s going to need some facial hair.

Alistair’s “I put the soul in” soul patch:

beard1

Nathan Drake’s “Is it dirt or is it stubble? // Who cares, God I am manly” stubble (Most likely):

beard2

John Marston’s “The scars only enhance the manliness” Wild West beard:

beard3

Joel’s “I look like Gerald Butler and he is Spartan levels of manly*” beard:

*When not in a Katherine Heigl movie.
*When not in a Katherine Heigl movie.

There are real world faces that also support the idea that beardliness is next to manliness. Manly, sexy men like George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Abraham Lincoln, Gandalf, and Wolverine all prove that to represent the male ideal, representations of the gender must be festooned with face follicles. Facial hair is more important than muscles, sour attitudes, body counts, and sexual appetite.

Perhaps most important of all, Tom Hiddleston looks like this with facial hair:

beard5

 We would all benefit from every game featuring a manly face as beautiful as that one.

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7 thoughts on “Guest Post: Beardliness Is Next To Manliness‏

  1. That was a fun post! Beards are indeed the epitome of manly style. I can only hope to grow more than a mustache one day.

    However, I think your article on beards was incomplete: J. E. B. Stuart ought to feature somewhere in any post about beards!

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